Goodbye?

I seriously think saying too many goodbyes can dull a soul. Well, at least I can feel its groggy effect on mine. I know I want to, need to, have to move on but somehow there's still something lingering, something still pulling me apart.

The first goodbye is for my used-to-be sweetie. It's too complicated, can't even talk about it now.

The second goodbye is for my friend, J, who is going to another state for his mission. When most of my good friends/best friends/loved ones are always somewhere but near me, saying goodbye has become a part of my life.

The third goodbye is for my nurse. I called her "my nurse" because when I did my clinical at the local hospital, she was the one who guide me through things and basically she was my guardian to make sure I do the right, proper things in the chaotic ER. The process of saying goodbye to her was simple, it just consisted of a few appreciative words, a few cookies, a candle, and a squeeze-until-you-feel-it hug. That didn't last longer than 3 minutes. The things that were felt during that 3 minutes, however, will be remembered for a long time. Great memories sometimes just last a few seconds.

Ironically, I wrote a lot on this blog about my feelings, but I'm a chicken when it comes time to say it out. Words get scrambled when my heart beats fast; it happens like that every time.

After that, I gave up my name badge, the little magnetic plate with a chip embedded in it that gave me access to those forbidden corridors of the hospital. The act of "giving it up" was just simple as laying it down on the table for someone to collect it, but I feel like I gave up much more than that. Somehow I miss it when I had to get up at 5:45 in the morning, got into those stain-prone white uniforms and dragged myself half asleep to the hospital. The first day I was there, I was ultimately confused. Didn't know much about what to do and what not to do. Totally lost. Then, of course, things got better; I learned more, and accomplished more. But still, can't forget that first day.

And can't forget the last day, either.

I guess that hospital's just an amazing place filled up with amazing people. And really, there are not a lot of places that can bring back to me such powerful memory. I know I will go to more and more places and will get used to new things. I know I will meet more people and will get close to them. I know, I know all that, but still, there is still something missing.

In two week, I'll graduate. What does it mean?

For now, it means more goodbyes to come.